


The Teen Wolf Group Chat Fic Nobody Asked For

by Spiderladslut



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Allison Argent & Stiles Stilinski Friendship, Ally is a bean and stiles would literally kill for her, Alpha Derek Hale, Everyone is alive fuck you, F/F, F/M, I’ll tag ships later, I’m pissed that we didn’t learn the twins last name, M/M, Mates Peter Hale/Stiles Stilinski, Peter is smug, Sex is heavily talked about on here, Stiles is Legal, cause there’s a lot more, derek is done, poor Scott lmao, read my warnings bc I ain’t taking shit, we were ROBBED we could have had an AMAZING BROMANCE, will add tags later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-07-28 00:14:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16230212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spiderladslut/pseuds/Spiderladslut
Summary: What the title says





	1. Five hours

_Stiles Stilinski Has Made The Group Chat_

_”Listen Up Fucks”_

* * *

 

**Stiles Stilinski:** Alright Listen I’m about to get fucked into the mattress so don’t come through my window for the next five hours 

**Scott McCall:** five hours?!?!?!?

**Erica Rayes:** holy shit Stilinski 

**Lydia Martin:** tbh I’m surprised Jackson or Peter hasn’t made a comment right about now

**Peter Hale:** That is Because Ms Martin, that I am the one doing the pounding.

**Scott McCall:** ISJSJJSNSKSLSOXUXHNDK

**Issac Lahey:** Dude you just broke my boyfriend 

**Stiles Stilinski:** and I’m about to be broken In the best way~ ;)

**Derek Hale:** I come on here for two seconds and I find out my uncle is fucking a 17 year old

**Stiles Stilinski:** fuck u I’m 18, therefore. I am legal.

**Stiles Stilinski:** plus ur just mad bc u can’t tap ass without it being a crazy bitch

**Allison Aregnt:** OHHHHHHHHHHH BINCH A SISTER SNAPPED

**Stiles Stilinski:** ally I love you

**Allison Aregnt:** <3

**Lydia Martin:** Big Sister Is Watching

**Stiles Stilinski:** shut your whore mouth Lydia everyone loves Allison and you know it

**Lydia Martin:** ok true

**Peter Hale:** Stiles, My Little Fox, I am here. You better be ready.

**Stiles Stilinski:** OH SHIT GOTTA GO GET POUNDED BYE GUYS

**Scott McCall:** OANSNSNSIDIDUNWLQ

**Issac Lahey:** could you stop breaking my boyfriend?

**Stiles Stilinski:** ill stop when the day I stop getting fucked raw

**Peter Hale:** Stiles.

**Stiles Stilinski:** gotta go ;)

**Erica Rayes:** STILES BOUTTA GET DICKED DOWN


	2. Derek Hale Has Left The Group Chat

**Stiles Stilinski:** holy shit I am sore

 **Erica Rayes:** how many rounds?

 **Peter Hale:** six

 **Scott McCall:** stiles oh my god

 **Stiles Stilinski:** guys my ass hurts so much 

 **Peter Hale:** you were the one that was yelling harder dear

 **Stiles Stilinski:** fuck you

 **Peter Hale:** already did

 **Derek Hale:** could you guys maybe not

 **Stiles Stilinski:** nope

 **Peter Hale:** No.

* * *

_Derek Hale Has Left The Group Chat_

* * *

 

**Stiles Stilinski:** I Think The Fuck NOT.

* * *

 

_Stiles Stilinski Had Added Derek Hale_

_Derek Hale Has Left The Group Chat_

_Stiles Stilinski Has Added Derek Hale_

_Derek Hale Has Left The Group Chat_

_Stiles Stilinski Has Added Derek Hale To The Group Chat_

* * *

**Stiles Stilinski:** YOURE NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS, WE HAVE TO SUFFER THEN SO DO YOU  _ALPHA_

 **Derek Hale:** Stiles 

 **Stiles Stilinski:** yes der-bear?

 **Derek Hale:** I am going to rio your throat out with my teeth

 **Peter Hale:** I can assure you nephew that you won’t even try if you want a severed head.

 **Cora Hale:** ohhh Protective peter

 **Scott McCall:** I’m right besides stiles and he’s giggling saying “Derek is gonna get payback for all them times he’s pushed me up against a wall and bruised me”

 **Peter Hale:** he fucking WHAT

 **Cora Hale:** OK HOLY DHIY PETER CUSSED DEREK RUN

 **Cora Hale:** guys lets all pray for my stupid brother who just took off running at lighting speed

 **Jackson Whitemore:** no

 **Lydia Martin:** No

 **Scott McCall:** No

 **Stiles Stilinski:** No

 **Peter Hale:** There will be no mercy

 **Kira Yukimura:** no just because everyone else is ^ _ ^

 **Issac Lahey:** Oh Kira, also, No

 **Vernon Boyd:** No

 **Erica Rayes:** No

 **Allison Argent:** No

 **Liam Dunbur:** No

 **Peter Hale:** Everything is alright 

 **Stiles Stilinski:** peter, what the fuck did you do.

 **Peter Hale:** let’s just say he won’t be moving for a little time too, just, I wasn’t as loving to him as you.

 **Derek Hale:** help

 **Stiles Stilinski:** PETER NO

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Werewolf mates are hella Protective of each other. Especially when one is a human. It doesn’t mater if it happend in the past or present a wolf is gonna wolf out.
> 
> That’s my just what I think idk if is actually lore or not.
> 
> But it will be discussed by our awesome Lydia Martin and Stiles Stilinski as well as Derek Hale, Cora Hale, and. Peter Hale.
> 
> Also Derek got one HALE of a beating 
> 
> :D
> 
> :D
> 
> Okay I’ll let myself out


	3. *KICKS DOWN A SHITTY MCDONALD DOOR* WHO’S READY FOR SOME MADE UP WEREWOLF LORE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love you all so much and ur all valid

_Erica Rayes Has Changed Stiles Stilinski To_

_“Sparky”_

* * *

 

 **Sparky:** fuck u

* * *

 

_Sparky Has Changed Erica Rayes To_

_”Bitch”_

* * *

 

 **Bitch:** that’s all you could come up with?

 **Sparky:** it’s a dog joke you mutt, because, in fact. You are the biggest bitch I’ve ever seen.

 **Bitch:** u clever lil shit

 **Sparky:** \\_(^-^)_/

 **Cora Hale:** hey unce pewtter why do you call stwiles “Little fox” OwO ??

 **Peter Hale:** first of all if you ever talk to me like that again I will rip your head off. Second of all, Stiles spirt animal, or as he calls it “patronus” as he calls it is a fox. So he can shift into a fox whenever he needs or just wants to.

 **Lydia Martin:** so like a mage shifter?

 **Sparky:** basically 

 **Ethan:** does he yip?

 **Sparky:** Listen here u lil piece of shit

 **Peter Hale:** yes indeed he does.

 **Sparky:** KAKAKAKFUJSNAOPS

 **Sparky** : PETER PLEASE

 **Peter Hale:** that’s what you were sobbing when I was on top of you last night

 **Sparky:** Peter, now is not the time

 **Scott McCall:** JAJAISID

 **Issac Lahey:** STOP BREAKING MY BOYFRIEND DAMNIT 

 **Sparky:** maybe if you’d finally just suck him down he wouldn’t break so much

 **Issac Lahey:** DNC GANKDODGAN

 **Vernon Boyd:** congrats stiles, you broke Issac 

 **Sparky:** *wipes away tear* I’m so happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like this chapter wasn’t that funny but oh well


	4. I’m back bitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> EYYYYYYY GUESS WHOS BACKKKKKKKKKK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have nothing against Derek I swear but I had to pick somebody
> 
> Also:
> 
> Thing one is Ethan 
> 
> Thing two is aiden

**Lydia:** GUYS ALLISON IS SOBBING HER EYES OUT EATING ICE CREAM AND HONEST TO GOD PETTING A FEAIRY WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED 

 **Sparky:**.... If Lydia do the cuss Lydia will do the kill

 **Peter:** To save my own neck I will not be a suspicious person and say anything like that. I truly done nothing.

 **Lydia:** WELL SOMEONE BETTER BE SPITTING OUT SOME NAMES OR ELSE I’LL TAKE OFF EVERYONES FUCKING HEAD

 **Derek:**....

 **Cora:** Derek is pale and quiet right next to me lyds

 **Derek:** CORA

 **Cora:** What? I’m not going to face that wrath nuh uh

 **Lizard man:** Wise decision

 **Sparky:** Derek you have five minutes to get out of there because I just saw Lydia FLYING down the road

 **Live anime figure:** what did he even do?

 **Issac:** whatever it is don’t say it in front of Kira just Incase it’s naughty

 **Live anime figure:** 0-0 oh

 **Derek:** all I did waSKDBJSOSBDNAPSL

 **Sparky:** R.I.P. Derek, we will miss your eyebrows and brooding.

 **Bitch:** we will?

 **Cora:** I sure as hell won’t 

 **Allycat:** guys Derek didn’t do anything, I was having a mental break down and Derek comforted me through text which made me cry harder. Lydia please

 **Derek:** seeE I TRIED RO TELL YOU NOW COME GET YORU GIRLFRIEND OFF OF ME GOTDAMNIT 

 **Lydia:** oh lol oopies 

 **Derek:** I am BLEEDING this is not OOPISES

 **Peter:** that was nice to watch my nephew get beat up by a 5’1 girl

 **Lizard Man:** I have seen that 5’1 girl angry before and it will terrify you

 **Lydia:** great, now I have to go get my nails redone because they mutt blood underneath them

 **Derek:** I am BLEEDING can somebody HELP ME?!?

 **Thing 1:** you have Werewolf healing suck it up

 **Thing 2:** Yeah!

 **Lydia:** my nail polish is laced with wolfsbans

 **Sparky:** OK WE SHOULD GET DEREK NOW


	5. Guess who’s back, back again, this assholes, TELL YOUR FRIENDS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *SCREAMS* YEET

**Sparky:** Scott is stuck In a tree

 **Eyebrows:** come again

**Sparky:** _he is in a tree_

**allycat:**  this is why I broke up with him

 **Lyds:** ahahahaha :)

 **Scarf Man:** how in the ever loving fuvk did hE geT STUVK JN A TREE

 **Sparky:** OK

 **Sparky:** SO

 **Sparky:** me and Erica and Scott were fucking around in the woods totally not trespassing on Derek’s land lmao

**Eyebrows:** _come again_

**Sparky:** And well this ugly ass fairy cake along and started sprouting shit so we were like “BET?!” And of course I blasted some fire balls (ha balls) while Erica and score jumped around like apes

 **cat woman:** fuck u too

 **Sparky:** and I may or may not have said something about how she’s so ugly that not even a stick would fuck her muky vagina 

 **Sparky:** And so She screeched and started coming after me and I YEETED out of the way and she yeeted Scotty so hard he got stuck in a tree while we killed her

 **Scarf man:** so it’s your fault 

 **Sparky:** no fuck ofd

 **Cat woman:** currently violently giving him wedges

 **Sparky:** Currently helping

 **Eyebrows:** this

 **Eyebrows:** this is my Pack 

 **Sparky:** u love us stfu

 


	6. :))))))))))))

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IM SO SORRY IVE BEEN GONE ILY ALL

**Sparky:** ok so

**Sparky:** We got Scott out a the tree 

**Sparky:** but now he has splinters in his ass

**Liam Neeson:** PTFFFFFFFF

**Sparky:** so Isaac that’s your duty

**Scarf man:** can’t u just use your magic and believe that the splinters aren’t in his ass

**Sparky:** yeah but he pissed me off so no

**Sparky:** he’s gonna suffer 

**Scarf Man:** I hate you

**Sparky: <** 33333

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnnnd next chapter will feature an angry scott


End file.
